The Writing Mamas Daily Blog
Each day on the Writing Mamas Daily Blog, a different member will write about mothering.If you're a mom then you've said these words, you've made these observations and you've lived these situations - 24/7.
And for that, you are a goddess.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A Friendship Based on Illusion
We shared insecurities, secrets, tips, and truly gave each other what was left of us that we didn’t give to our children.
Then -- something changed.
Maybe when my youngest went to kindergarten. When I began to work again. When I got diagnosed with an unexpected illness.
Suddenly, I could see clearly what I could not observe, or did not want to notice: true friendship.
And one person, who I thought was the most giving of people, upon closer inspection, really was not. Oh, there was so called generosity. Groceries in particular. She always came laden with them. And liked to present me gifts with that I neither needed, sought nor could use.
What she had trouble giving -- was herself. I noticed when I talked, she rarely listened. I babysat for her child way out of proportion to her watching mine. Then there were the unkind words that sometimes found their way out of her mouth. They were always so shocking that I was speechless in reply.
One day, after a particularly virulent spiel -- I could no longer ignore my internal voice. It yelled: MOVE ON!
The problem: her daughter and my daughter are great friends and I don’t want that ruined. We also run in similar circles.
This is where being a mother and the wisdom I’ve hopefully gained must come into play. This is not about me. This is not about her. This is about our children.
Still, there is sadness for what once and for what will no longer be.
I’ve always tried to create family from friends. My best friend at 11 is still my best friend today. I laugh as hard now with my college friends as I did with them back when we were in our 20s (a-hem, that being just a year or two ago).
I’ve been fortunate to have lived around the country and have friends in each place where I have resided. And I have incredible mommy friends who will be my sister-friends forever.
I am happy that by putting an end to something that once was beautiful but is now toxic, I am taking care of myself and I will be watchful for my daughter.
I will also be something else – mature, graceful and kind. The qualities I want my children to have.
Still, I am sad to lose a friend or the friend who I thought she was only to realize that person was an illusion.
I'll try to remember the good times, even if there was imagination on my part.
Right now our daughters are BFFs. But watching her constantly angle, setting up play dates, sans my daughter, yet she always seems to want one when she knows my daughter has a play date with another friend, borders on the manipulative and absurd.
I wish things were back to how I thought they once were. But I know now those were only dreams. And we awaken from our dreams.
By Dawn Yun
Labels: baby, By Dawn Yun, childhood memories, Dreams, illness, illusion, kindergarten, toddler, true friendship
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Emergency
I spent two nights in the ER and three days on the Pediatric Ward with my 5-year-old daughter last week. Doctors were determining whether the uncontrollable fever, vomiting, and pain in her right side were solely the work of a kidney infection not responding quickly enough to antibiotics, or if they were the added burden of a bursting appendix, as well.
Two urine samples, two blood tests, four I.V. insertions, four ultrasounds, and a CT scan later, the doctors determined that the pain in her right side was indeed the work of the kidney infection, particularly raging in her right kidney (hence the heightened attention to her appendix).
The doctors and nurses were so thorough (see above), treating the many scary symptoms and listening to every piece of information coming from my 5-year-old’s mouth that, despite the pain and fear I both witnessed and felt, I was certain they would do whatever it took to correctly diagnose her.
Because of this, I felt calm and strong.
However, when I spoke to my mother up in Washington state, also calm and strong, I almost lost it – but not for any obvious reasons.
We were having an even-keel, matter-of-fact conversation, when, off the cuff, she told me she’d never had to go through anything like this with me. The only thing that came close was a middle of the night trip to the ER for a terrible earache when I was Aubrey’s age. There, she’d learned her insurance company wouldn’t cover the visit because it wasn’t technically an emergency.
That’s the point of the phone call where I could feel pressure in my throat, that burning in my nose and eyes.
How dare they? I found myself thinking. What kind of horrible healthcare system would make a single mother with next-to-nothing in child support, working full-time as a bookkeeper for a lumberyard, have to choose between the care of an ailing child and taking a big financial hit?
Pardon me, but what a shitbob choice.
Fortunately for us, we’re poor enough while my husband attends dental school and I work part-time. that we qualify for kick-ass state insurance – and I am so eternally, eternally grateful. But, listening to my mom, I couldn’t help but think of all the in-betweeners, the families on other kinds of insurance that won’t cover x, y, or z, or the families with no insurance at all.
Coincidentally, the night before Aubrey’s first trip to the ER, I listened to Joan Blades of MoveOn.org and MomRrising.org, and co-author of The Motherhood Manifesto, speak about these very issues.
Little did I know I’d be playing so directly into her concerns.
I remember her saying that it was time for families to recognize that what might seem like isolated incidents were not isolated incidents (i.e. my mom having to make the choice between medical care in the middle of the night or financial safety). They were the widespread problems among many. She said it was also time to see an acceptance of these incidents, as being “just the way it is,” as problematic as well. MomsRising.org and The Motherhood Manifesto are grassroots attempts at uniting women and families with a common goal to create positive change in these areas.
I’ve never thought of myself as someone political. Give me good literature that makes me ponder the human condition and I feel wise enough. Truth be told, though, I’ve always kind of wondered if sometime my desire to understand the human condition, my own real world experience of it, and the possibility of impacting it would arrive at a three-way crossroad – where I’d have to get out of the car and feel the dirt under my feet.
Perhaps now is the time.
When I looked at my little girl, pale after days of fever and pain and uncertainty, I knew it was never a question of whether she’d get care; it was simply a question as to what extent the care would work.
Shouldn’t it be that way for everyone?
I made it through one emergency last week; it looks like it’s time I gear up to face another one.
By Anjie Reynolds
********************
From MomsRising.org
Tell the President and Congress it's not acceptable to have 9 million kids without healthcare coverage and millions more with inadequate coverage. And it's not okay to have 46 million total uninsured Americans. In our country, healthcare issues shouldn't be a leading cause of bankruptcy, and our childhood mortality rates shouldn't rank in at a pathetic 37th of all nations, according to the World Health Organization. This is simply not acceptable.
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Two urine samples, two blood tests, four I.V. insertions, four ultrasounds, and a CT scan later, the doctors determined that the pain in her right side was indeed the work of the kidney infection, particularly raging in her right kidney (hence the heightened attention to her appendix).
The doctors and nurses were so thorough (see above), treating the many scary symptoms and listening to every piece of information coming from my 5-year-old’s mouth that, despite the pain and fear I both witnessed and felt, I was certain they would do whatever it took to correctly diagnose her.
Because of this, I felt calm and strong.
However, when I spoke to my mother up in Washington state, also calm and strong, I almost lost it – but not for any obvious reasons.
We were having an even-keel, matter-of-fact conversation, when, off the cuff, she told me she’d never had to go through anything like this with me. The only thing that came close was a middle of the night trip to the ER for a terrible earache when I was Aubrey’s age. There, she’d learned her insurance company wouldn’t cover the visit because it wasn’t technically an emergency.
That’s the point of the phone call where I could feel pressure in my throat, that burning in my nose and eyes.
How dare they? I found myself thinking. What kind of horrible healthcare system would make a single mother with next-to-nothing in child support, working full-time as a bookkeeper for a lumberyard, have to choose between the care of an ailing child and taking a big financial hit?
Pardon me, but what a shitbob choice.
Fortunately for us, we’re poor enough while my husband attends dental school and I work part-time. that we qualify for kick-ass state insurance – and I am so eternally, eternally grateful. But, listening to my mom, I couldn’t help but think of all the in-betweeners, the families on other kinds of insurance that won’t cover x, y, or z, or the families with no insurance at all.
Coincidentally, the night before Aubrey’s first trip to the ER, I listened to Joan Blades of MoveOn.org and MomRrising.org, and co-author of The Motherhood Manifesto, speak about these very issues.
Little did I know I’d be playing so directly into her concerns.
I remember her saying that it was time for families to recognize that what might seem like isolated incidents were not isolated incidents (i.e. my mom having to make the choice between medical care in the middle of the night or financial safety). They were the widespread problems among many. She said it was also time to see an acceptance of these incidents, as being “just the way it is,” as problematic as well. MomsRising.org and The Motherhood Manifesto are grassroots attempts at uniting women and families with a common goal to create positive change in these areas.
I’ve never thought of myself as someone political. Give me good literature that makes me ponder the human condition and I feel wise enough. Truth be told, though, I’ve always kind of wondered if sometime my desire to understand the human condition, my own real world experience of it, and the possibility of impacting it would arrive at a three-way crossroad – where I’d have to get out of the car and feel the dirt under my feet.
Perhaps now is the time.
When I looked at my little girl, pale after days of fever and pain and uncertainty, I knew it was never a question of whether she’d get care; it was simply a question as to what extent the care would work.
Shouldn’t it be that way for everyone?
I made it through one emergency last week; it looks like it’s time I gear up to face another one.
By Anjie Reynolds
********************
From MomsRising.org
Tell the President and Congress it's not acceptable to have 9 million kids without healthcare coverage and millions more with inadequate coverage. And it's not okay to have 46 million total uninsured Americans. In our country, healthcare issues shouldn't be a leading cause of bankruptcy, and our childhood mortality rates shouldn't rank in at a pathetic 37th of all nations, according to the World Health Organization. This is simply not acceptable.
Labels: children, ER, illness, MomsRising, MoveOn.Org, org
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