This sucks. It sucks so bad. Right now this is beyond sucksome. It is so sucky that I have to make up words just to feel creative.

I've got a terrible case of writer's block.

It seems whatever I write doesn't flow, the words don't make sense and I have no fucking idea what I want to say. I'm trying hard to make good points but right now things are too sharp. 

I'm feeling and I'm feeling nothing at all. 

Trying to write something at a level I've worked hard for years to achieve is just not there.

Today I realized why I'm so incoherent in my thoughts -- I'm in remembrance and grief. And I have to write something that is upbeat! Hap-hap-happy!!! I might just as well draw that stupid ass once and soon to be again ubiquitous, yellow smiley face. The Sunday New York Times says it has returned. I have a suggestion: yellow head go back to nostalgia where you belong. 

Losing loved ones is beyond painful. Three in one year is a lot. But twelve years earlier I had four family members die within six months. I also had ten chapters of a book due. I missed deadline after deadline until I finally turned them in. I was living in total shock. A sort of protective bubble enveloped me as I tried to figure out life. My life.  I was single and childless.

The bubble has burst. Now I'm married with kids and my attention has to go to my family. Trying to focus in on what they are saying and to be in their moments is not easy. Sometimes I have to force myself. We're all sad. But the kids have a sense of joy that my husband and I lack.

I have been down this road before. 

I feel as if I'm riding a bicycle with a crooked wheel.  I try to steer in the direction I need to go, but I can't.

When I want to write something that leads the reader down a certain path, even with a compass -- a past draft proposal -- I'm lost. 

I know I am sorting. Feeling. Making jokes on the outside and crying within. I am prone to saying funny things to others. I am just having the most troublesome time writing them down.

What I've learned of grief is that it is a process. Not one to be rushed. It takes time. Something I don't have when I'm on a deadline.

By Dawn Yun