My almost three-year old didn’t want to go to school this Monday morning.  He had too much fun over the weekend with Mom, Dad and Grandma, and he just wanted to stay home and do all those fun things again.

“I want pancakes!” he said to my face in the dark while I slept, or tried to.

“We can do that,” I told him, pulling myself out of bed.

While he ate the pancakes I reminded him he had to get dressed for school.

“I want to stay home,” he declared.

“Not today, Munchkin,” and I explained why he had to go to school.

“I want to go see Grandma,” he said. 

“Grandma went home.”

He thought for a moment.  “I want to get coffee with Mommy.”

“You have to go to school, Julien. No coffee stop today.”

“Nounourse want coffee,” he said, holding up his stuffed polar bear (“nounourse” is French for teddy bear).

“Nounourse is too young for coffee, as are you.  You have to go to school today.”

“I want to stay home with Mommy,” he repeated.

“I know.  Maybe on Thursday or Friday, but not today.”

Sometimes, he doesn’t want to go to school, and sometimes I don’t want him to go.  He’s cute, he’s fun, together we play and laugh and cuddle, he gives plenty of hugs and kisses, and I love him ferociously.  Plus, now that he’s almost three, there’s a whole world of fun activities to do.  Why wouldn’t I want to spend my days frolicking with my young son?

The alternative is to face the dull glare of my computer screen alone in my home office, hustling in my independent consulting practice to earn some bucks, trying to create and finish projects I dream up in my head, struggling to make some mark in the world for my self, my family, and most especially, my son.

Sometimes the pressure is too much.  I’d really much rather go play with my son.

But…

But.  For me to feel whole, I need to work.  That’s part of who I am and I know it.  I need to strive toward goals, work toward accomplishment.  By doing so, I feel engaged and fulfilled, and as a result, I’ve found, I’m a much better mommy.  When I’m with my son, I’m really with him, engaged and relishing every moment. 

If I want more time with him, or sense he needs more time with me, then we play hooky from work and school.  Balancing between work and family is not easy; there’s often tension, and I find myself fine-tuning that balance all the time.  But that’s just part of motherhood, and I wouldn’t give up motherhood for all the accolades in the world.

By Cindy Bailey

Labels: Cindy Bailey

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