I suffer from impaired judgment. I honestly believe I will make the wrong choice, the wrong decision, even the wrong turn -- no matter what.

Why is this?

Is it lack of sleep? Or is my lack of sleep yet another example of bad judgment? If I know how much sleep I need (in order to function and succeed in my endeavors) why don’t I get it? What makes me stay up that extra half hour, then hour, knowing I will be too tired in the morning to figure out what to do with myself? Can’t I do the math? I do my best to make sure my children get enough sleep, but I forget to take care of myself.

Some choices are made for me. Appointments to honor, carpools to drive, etc. But it seems that every moment I am confronted with a choice that is mine to make I panic in anticipation of making the WRONG choice. Go to the gym or take a walk? Walk alone or take the dog? Long hike or short walk?

AAHG!

Whichever one I decide upon I instantly regret it. Rather than enjoy every step, breath deeply and take in the fresh air, I inwardly complain. I wonder why I didn’t go the other way. I worry that I did not leave myself enough time. Why, I moan, why?

Upon returning from my too short/too long walk with too many/not enough hills, I dread the list of chores waiting for me at home. If I start laundry will I have time to dry and fold it before I leave? Maybe I should just wait and do it tonight. Wait! Maybe I can ask Bill to put it into the dryer for me and fold it when I get back? Wait! What if he forgets and I am stuck with moldy towels?

Forget it.

What about that pile of paperwork that has been expanding on my desk? Is there enough time to tackle that? What if I don’t finish and am left with ten more piles to deal with? Where do I even start? Why even start?

I watch the clock-time flying forward. I still have to shop for dinner. Chicken or steak? My husband does more than his share of the cooking, but often burdens me with the choice of what he is going to cook.

The pressure!!

I walk slowly up to my room where my still unmade bed looks so inviting. Maybe I could just take a twenty-minute nap? That would give me time to stop for coffee on the way to pick up the kids. If I go to sleep now, I will have time to get there early. With a prime parking spot I can sit and read before school gets out. My chores can wait. The paperwork will still be there tomorrow as will the laundry. But who knows when I will get another opportunity to take a nap? I let my “to do” list drift to the floor.

Maybe the judgment I need to work on improving is my critical judgment of myself?

By Cathy Burke

Labels: Cathy Burke

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