I think about my family that I so take for granted.

I would give them up in a heartbeat if it meant I got my freedom back. I am sure I would not have gone to any great lengths to have them if I was told I “couldn’t.”

Would I have taken that as a personal challenge?

I honestly do not understand why people want so desperately to be parents. I can’t remember why I wanted to be one. How could I possibly have thought that I could do this?

I am sure if there were some sort of parental regulation with certain standards that must be upheld I would have been denied the necessary permits. Even now, I sometimes secretly wish that they would come take my children away and declare me unfit.

I hear them cry and I admit – I don’t always rush to comfort them. I hesitate, not because I know they need to work it out themselves, but because I don’t want to.

I feel their pressure on me both physically and emotionally. I feel their assault on my senses constantly as they scream and pound and shriek and whine and need.

I dread the sound of “Mommy” no matter what the tone.

I am sickened by the sound of my own voice. “That’s not okay.” “How else could you have asked for that?" “We don’t hit.”

Even I don’t want to hear me anymore.

I often feel disconnected from this life I have chosen as if I ordered the wrong color from the catalog and now what I really wanted is no longer in stock.

Is it too late to get what I want?

By Cathy Burke

Labels: Cathy Burke

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