I used to think ambivalence referred to my childish, rapidly shifting positive and negative feelings toward a parent or my most recent boyfriend.

In one day, my closest and most delicate relationships could revolve in a merry-go-round of opposing moods: remorse, hurt, hope, and guilt came up and down, waving hello.

Now it's midlife as a parent and I am coming into a new understanding of ambivalence. I can adore my children and live on the joy of seeing their delight. And I can resent the crap out of them simultaneously when they will their exhausted, flailing bodies to fight off sleep and I haven't had one moment of solitary quiet all day.

I just want to run away!!!

But if I do hand them off and go out for a bit, I miss those little girls so much.

Mamas sit in a big warm tub of amusement, fierce attachment, irritation, fatigue, affection, and questioning, swirling around for us to move through. I guess the challenge is moving toward comfortable cohabitation with all the kinds of bubbles in the bath.

By Avvy Mar

Labels: Avvy Mar

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