The Writing Mamas Daily Blog

Each day on the Writing Mamas Daily Blog, a different member will write about mothering.

If you're a mom then you've said these words, you've made these observations and you've lived these situations - 24/7.

And for that, you are a goddess.

Sunday, April 05, 2009


A New Yet Old Kind of Divorce

I’ve been separated from my ex-husband for five years this month, and have been divorced for almost four years now. Though it’s gotten easier, I’ve adjusted for the most part -- there is still a part of me that lives in inquiry and wonders; was it the right thing to do?

Though I didn’t have a choice -- my husband had an affair while on a three-week business trip to India and left me upon his return when our second son was three-months old -- I still wonder.

We had a good marriage, though people may question my judgment after hearing how it ended. We had a deep love and connection, we liked the same things, we understood each other, we had two children. I suppose there was always this fissure within him, unseen and beneath the surface, which unexpectedly shifted from increased pressure and caused an earthquake in our lives. 

Who really knows?

We still see each other almost everyday to exchange the kids. We talk on the phone daily. We parent, plan and schedule together. He knows me better than most people. When I first saw the HBO series “Big Love,” about a polygamous family in Utah, I thought – 'this is not so unlike divorced families today,' as outrageous as that sounds.

Divorced couples with families no longer sleep together (usually), but they often continue to share an intimate life. Sometimes I wonder if we’re so close to this relatively new familial configuration that we don’t see how closely related to more primitive family systems it may be.

As far-out as that sounds, my divorce still makes me wonder. What if we were still married? What if we (he) had honored our commitment? Would our children be better off? Would we have found our way back to each other? Is there a better way?

The die is cast, and I am finally allowing myself to sink into acceptance. 

Still, I wonder.

By Lisa Nave

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This moved me.

My dad left my mom under similar circumstances when I was 3. You're writing thoughts and feelings that my mom had even into her new marriage 10 years later and in saying goodbye to my dad on his deathbed another 10 years later.

Our hearts can hold on to love in complex and mysterious ways. Thanks for writing this.
It moved me, too. Thanks for your beautiful and thoughtful post.

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