The Writing Mamas Daily Blog

Each day on the Writing Mamas Daily Blog, a different member will write about mothering.

If you're a mom then you've said these words, you've made these observations and you've lived these situations - 24/7.

And for that, you are a goddess.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

 

Childhood Fears Attack Our Adult DNA


As my father was packing up his car when he left the family, his parting wisdom was this;

“Never become financially dependent on a man. Jus look what it did to your mother."

My mother was residing at the time in a locked ward on seventy-two-hour hold for suicidal threats.

His words still haunt me today, forty years old and financially dependent, with two kids under five.

Today, my husband winced at the pile of Costco party supplies I just came home with.

"We already had plastic cups."

"They’re giant and red,” I say. “They’re too big for punch.”

He looks at me, I look at the floor. We both sigh, all contained hostility.

"We're not making enough to match what we spend... atf all now," he tells me.

I am ashamed and angry. I turned down a job working in the county jail because I realized I just couldn't work there once I felt the despair pour into me while walking among the locked units. Somewhere, after having kids, my past armor has disappeared. But we are both angry at me for not taking that job, despite our verbal assurances to each other that it was the right decision.

We need money, and my private practice is not bringing in enough yet. Financial dependence and wanting my kids to have their mom and a great preschool is right, in my mind. My gut differs. We're going broke and I am panicked and embarrassed. I want to see it differently, that I should be supported for being available to my baby while she is small, but I harbor backlash beliefs that I should be bringing in the money that will take the stone partly off my husband's back and give me the self-esteem that seems to have escaped along with my six-pack abs and taut skin.

I remember my father's words and how I lived by them, aggressively independent and hard-working.

Terrified, really.

There is something to grow up here with, another perfect lesson in losing my position of invulnerability thanks to choosing children. This tight-fisted nausea itself is where I need to stay for today, and hope for a little faith to open.

By Avvy Mar

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Comments:
You are really onto something. I have the very same struggle with finances. We are not making ends meet either, even with cutting back. On top of that, our marriage is very shaky right now, and I am doing my best to maintain what stability I can for the kids, and possibly a reunited family. I cannot think about getting a job right now, too much is unknown. But, I do need to get back to work.
The other part of this discussion is the need for part-time work, don't you think? I cannot see how to accommodate all the holidays at the kid's schools, their doctors appointments and what not without flexibility.
Thanks for sharing your story. I could really relate. Feel free to write back if you like at v_inglis@earthlink.net.
 
You are so correct. It is hard to chose children. I went back to work part time and am dependant on my husband for money. It's hard.

Jenn
 
Your brutal honesty sets you apart.It's disturbing and reassuring at the same time.It's why I love you. I'm humbled and grateful that you are my friend.
 
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